3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
