Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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