3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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