You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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