Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I got her a Nickelback box set.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
