i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
