I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
