If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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