come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
