I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
