brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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