Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
