Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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