she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
