i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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