Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
