nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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