Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just gargled with NyQuil
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
