I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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