They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
