I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
