u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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