Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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