i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
