Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
