i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
