We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
