Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
