I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize