I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
