if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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