i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
