Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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