there's paper in my vomit.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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