I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
