Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
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