you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
