In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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