Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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