so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
