now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
