This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
