Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
