Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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