While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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