Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
