Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
