If i could tip my vagina, i would.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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