maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
