He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
