Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You are the jesus of drinking
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Randomize
