Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
