in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
